(un)happy father’s day

This is my first Father’s Day without my Dad. I can’t escape the barage of commercials and advertisements suggesting the “perfect gift for Dad”; my heart breaks and I change the channel quickly. This year, as I visit my Dad at the cemetery, I am painfully reminded that everything is different this year. There will be no family BBQ, or “Whale of a Dad” Carvel ice-cream cake, which my Dad loved so much (those chocolate crunchies were his favorite!); no sentimental card with a boat/fishing theme (because that was his favorite thing to do when he was healthy), and no brightly covered gift of pajamas/shirts/shorts/slippers, or whatever Mom thought he could “use” that year.

This Father’s Day I am working, so today Shea and I, and our dogs Riley and Gracie, visited my Dad and planted flowers at his grave. He always enjoyed it when we would bring the dogs to visit, and he loved Riley so much; she never left his side during his final days. He didn’t get the chance to meet Gracie, but I’m sure that they would have quickly bonded, playing fetch with tennis balls, and some belly rubs too of course!

I brought my Dad a stepping stone and solar-powered cross to decorate his grave, and I thanked him (again) for being such a great Father and Pop-Pop.

My Father and I didn’t always see eye-to-eye, especially when I was a teenager growing up in Jersey City. He was tough; very (very) strict. When Mom got angry and said “wait until your father comes home!”, we knew that we were in big trouble. Times were very different back then, and for better or worse, we were literally afraid to misbehave. He did the best that he could, and I don’t think I fully appreciated or understood that until I became a parent myself. He looked out for us from the day that we were born, and protected us until his dying breath.

After my Dad became a grandfather, or “Pop-Pop”, as he was called, I saw a completely different side to him, which was pretty awesome. He adored his granddaughters, and he learned to be comfortable saying the words “I love you” out loud (which was not common as I grew up)… and those words later evolved to “I love you more”, which we knew, deep down, that he sincerely did. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to grow close to my Dad and have him in my life for as long as I did. I was able to witness seeing him open up his heart to the life of being a beloved, generous, supportive, loyal, dependable, (and really funny!) Father and Pop-Pop.

Happy Father’s Day in Heaven Dad!

I love you and I miss you everyday, but today even more.

me and dad

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