Being brave

I reconnected with an old friend recently, and as we were catching-up on this crazy thing called life, he gently reminded me that we all have stories. While some stories are harder to tell than others, most of us are fortunate enough to have a surplus of great memories that we carry as a reminder of who we are, and where we’ve been.

Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” (Brené Brown)

Being brave can mean different things to each of us… it all depends on your ability to face your fears. Overcoming such an intense emotion isn’t easy; in fact, it can make us extremely uncomfortable, and is often the result of an act of love or necessity. My challenges with trying to be brave have changed as I have gotten older. As a child, being brave meant getting a “shot” from the doctor; as a teenager, it meant trying to overcome self-esteem issues; as an adult, it has been more about being honest when the truth was hard to hear; it was letting go after losing trust; it was starting over as a single mom. Being brave is stepping-up to a new challenge and trying again (and again) after failure. It is saying “yes” when every fiber of your being is feeling afraid and anxious and wants to (safely and comfortably) say “no”. Being brave is facing your fears and fighting a battle that you know you may not win, but will never give up trying.


Hope

“While there’s life, there’s hope“- Tolkien

Hope is exciting; it makes you feel that anything is possible. It is powerful and profound. The feeling of having hope can make even the tiniest spark of light seem like a sunrise in the making. Hope can make one walk a little lighter and feel a little happier. It can make you forget everything bad and painful, even if only for a short time. It is wise to be cautious with expectations, but I have found that even the slightest chance of something awesome happening, can make all the difference in the world between giving up or getting up.

Nevertheless, she persisted

This is not a political post; rather, it is quite personal to me, as I can’t help but deeply relate to the slogan, “nevertheless, she persisted“, which became popular in 2017 after Mitch McConnell condescendingly uttered it while trying to silence Senator Elizabeth Warren during the U.S. Senate vote to confirm (recently fired/resigned) Jeff Sessions as Attorney General. He did not know at the time that those words would resonate with so many women; me included… and yes, I bought the T-shirt. If you have been following my blog, you know that I was recently diagnosed with a rare spinal cord condition called Arachnoiditis. It is something that I had never heard of (even as a nurse), but it has come to be my fate after complications from my last spinal fusion in 2016. I am presently coming to terms with trying to advocate for my own healthcare needs and navigate through hours of online research to educate myself and practice patient-centered care; this time with me starring in the role of impatient “patient”.

I consider myself a (mostly) private, independent person, but I must confess that I feel so helpless… it is scary to consider how this diagnosis will affect my future, both personally and professionally. This little blog that began as a way to express myself during a time of loss, continued on with my writing from a personal perspective about my love of Nursing, has now entered into a new challenging phase of my life. Please bear with me as I stumble through this unknown territory, one day at a time.


Change

Change can be hard; we become comfortable with habit and familiarity. The longer you stay in one place, the harder it is to leave. I feel strongly that in order to grow, one must be open to, and adapt to, the challenges of change. I (especially) advocate for trying new things in one’s career, such as earning professional certifications, or going back to school to pursue a higher degree. I have written many letters of recommendation endorsing fellow nurse friends and colleagues whom I truly believed had the potential for great things in the field of nursing for other positions, promotions, or awards… even if that meant that they would be leaving my own unit/organization for bigger and better opportunities. I applaud them for being brave to try something new. As a nurse leader, it is my responsibility to raise others “up”, and I am proud to do so, just as it was done for me by my mentor, Nicole; she taught me many things about leadership and change, and led by example. Nicole also re-introduced me to the rare genius and leadership lessons from Abraham Lincoln in Lincoln on Leadership (Phillips, 1992).

“I have simply tried to do what seemed best each day, as each day came.” –Lincoln

Some of Lincoln’s greatest quotes have held the test of time and have proven to be especially true and powerful in our current political climate.

A house divided cannot stand“- Lincoln

Yes, change can be difficult, but believe in yourself and your ability to overcome obstacles and take control of your future. Confidence comes from stepping out of your comfort zone and expanding one’s experience, expertise, and perspective in other areas. In my 30-year nursing career I have worked in many sub-specialty areas in the world of Pediatrics. I was never afraid of change; it actually sustained my love of nursing. I was challenged with each and every opportunity. These different experiences have proven to be invaluable to a nursing career well-lived and loved; I wish the same for you!


Reference:

Phillips, D.T. (1992). Lincoln on leadership: executive strategies for tough times. New York: Warner Books

Smiling through the Pain

Nurses are caretakers; it is our job and natural instinct to be the provider of care, and not be at the receiving end. I’ve been on the other side of the bed (as a patient) a few times… each experience was pure torture for me; I cringe when I think about the compromising positions that I have had to endure. I am a terrible patient. I have severe trust issues; when one has worked very hard to be fiercly independent, it is an uncomfortable feeling to be vulnerable. It takes a great deal of courage to allow others (even fellow health care professionals) to take care of you, especially when you are at their mercy and cannot care for yourself. I have been living with back pain for years; after two spinal fusions, I have (almost) gotten used to it. I megadose on Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen two- three times a day, and I try to smile through it and not complain. I carry on with my day and know that others have it far worse than I do. I joke that it’s “tough to get old”, and I am fully aware that I am at the age where it is natural to feel aches and pains; but the reality is, pain can be exhausting. It affects everything that you do, or want to do; a simple trip to the Mall to go Christmas shopping becomes less fun and festive by the minute, and you eventually rationalize that gift cards will be a win-win this year, and head for the comfort of your car… and if you are being honest with yourself, you know that this is not normal.

The MRI showed arachnoiditis. I do not know what the future will bring, but I got through today, and tomorrow I will do the same.

Broken branches

Pain and disappointment is a heavy burden and can come from a very deep place in one’s heart, even if you have built strong walls to protect it. It is the feeling that no matter what you do, even if you tried your best, it is not enough…it can even make you feel that “you” are not enough. (Don’t believe it for a second!) Ironically, some of the people who are supposed to be the closest to us, and most trusted, can be the ones who can cause the deepest heartache; they can be one’s harshest, most unforgiving critic; they carry expectations that can become twisted in reality or perception… and sometimes, anger can make one deaf to reason, and blind to the truth. Family disagreements, if not kept in check, are toxic and can grow to become permanent “holes” in one’s life. If you care at all, you must try to repair the damage; but if you have tried, and tried again and again, then you must accept what cannot be changed.

Anger is like a strong wind; it calms down after a while, but some of the branches are already broken”– Rumi

Our Unforgettable Patients

If you want to find out what motivates nurses to do what they do every single day, ask them about some of the patients who made a difference in their lives…the stories that they tell will move you; they will make you laugh and cry, and they just may help you to understand the power of purposeful service to others. Every now and then, completely out of the blue, I am given a gentle reminder of the unexpected gifts that this amazing profession has given to me. Yesterday, while I was cleaning out my glass cabinet looking for my red Christmas wine glass that reads “He sees you when you’re drinking”, I came across my rather impressive collection of shot glasses, and I found myself thinking about a patient whom I had the privilege of caring for several years ago. Let me explain…

This young man was diagnosed with Acute Myelocytic Leukemia (AML) in his late teens; he had spent several years in and out of the hospital for chemotherapy treatments and subsequent admissions for fever/neutropenia, blood products, etc. He had been doing well; he was working hard and attending college on a full scholarship when he found out that his cancer had relapsed and he was going to need a bone marrow transplant (BMT). He stayed strong and optimistic; he had big goals and cancer wasn’t going to get in his way. He was turning 21 just before his scheduled BMT and he had plans to take a trip to Las Vegas with his friends because that was how he wanted to spend his birthday “sipping Patrón tequila and partying”. He knew that each birthday was a gift, but “21” was a milestone that he wanted to experience the most; he wanted to be like every other 21-year-old who got drunk on his birthday as a “right of passage”. This was amusing to all who knew him because this young man was the very last person you could imagine drinking tequila in Vegas! Unfortunately, due to an infection, he ended up having to spend his 21st  birthday in the hospital (in the very un-exciting state of NJ). Yes, he was disappointed, but he rolled with the punches that kept coming his way (as always).

I was working nights at the time, and at the stroke of midnight, on his 21st birthday, all available staff on duty that we could muster up for a few minutes, entered his room singing “Happy Birthday to you…”; we all had shot glasses (aka 30 ml clear plastic medicine cups) of apple juice in hand to toast the now “legal” birthday boy. I had a “real” shot glass from my one and only trip to Las Vegas and presented it to him for his “shot” of AJ, which he happily kept as a souvenir. As corny as this little make-shift party was, he loved it, and he talked about his plans for next year to (really) celebrate…I am certain that he never doubted for a minute that he would get to Vegas one day.

I would try to visit with him regularly to check-in and see how he was doing, and each time that I was there, he talked about his “Vegas” birthday party and smile. I didn’t fully comprehend until then how much this small gesture meant to him and that he would always carry that memory with him. Sadly, that would be his last birthday; he had fought so hard, and he never gave up. He taught me about courage and resilience, and accepting defeat gracefully. At his wake, his sister thanked me for taking the time to help him celebrate his last birthday. It meant the world to me that I could make a difference… showing someone just one small act of kindness could be that one thing that they need to get through a difficult time.

I cleaned out one of my glasses and drank a shot of apple juice in your memory today. Cheers my friend!

When you are a nurse, you know that everyday you will touch a life, or a life will touch yours.” – anonymous

enjoy the little things