Tag: change

Anxiety

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Experiencing anxiety is scary. I’ve rarely had feelings of being so restless or nervous that my heart could actually explode in my chest, but I have been feeling anxious a lot lately, and it is unsettling. I don’t know if it’s because I have had so many changes this past year, or the culmination of the last few years, but here I am… going through “stuff” that makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I also know that I have been feeling anxious for the brave and resilient people of Ukraine as a result of this horrific invasion by Russia… watching these families be separated, with women, children, and the elderly fleeing from their beloved country, to escape to Poland without knowing anyone there, or how they will survive, and having to say good-bye to their husbands/fathers, who must stay to defend their country… it is devastating, and it is hard to watch. But it is hard not to watch also. We are all brothers and sisters on this Earth, and the human connection can be just as strong as if we, too, were Ukrainian. It is the “what ifs…” that can be hard to think about as we try to predict the outcome of this pure evil and devastating act of aggression from a madman.

Part of my coping mechanism to process and manage my many thoughts is to write them down, so I will try to focus on things that I can actually control.

Some things that I have found helpful when I am feeling anxious.

I recognize that part of my anxiety is because I am at a crossroads with my job, and feeling alone and isolated. Life is too short to spend in a job that you do not love doing. You cannot just “go through the motions” when you work in healthcare, you just can’t. You won’t be successful, and even more importantly, you won’t be happy. I’ve been debating about the pros and cons of “staying in my lane” when it comes to career choices, and it has been a frustrating thing for me because I have always advocated for nurses to expand their horizons and see what opportunities come up that can challenge them in new ways. Change is good, yes? But what if it’s not? What if you choose a path that doesn’t feel right and doesn’t really “fit” who you are, or who you want to be… at the age of 55, where I am closer to the ultimate goal of a comfortable retirement.

I LOVE nursing. I love the feeling of being of service to others, and feeling like I am successfully fulfilling my God-given purpose. I also love working with nurses; standing beside them, and helping in any capacity that I can. I know that a job does not define who I am, but my career, and my passion for nursing DOES define me. I have spent more than half of my life being a nurse, and it has always “filled my cup” with a lifetime of fulfilling and rewarding memories.

I always thought that working from home was the ultimate “work place”; while I do love being in my new home, with my two “golden girls” (my faithful furry companions, Sammie & Gracie), it can also be very isolating, and that does not help my anxiety. It is hard enough to learn a new role when you are in an unfamiliar environment, but it is even harder to do virtually. I don’t run away from a challenge, or things that are hard… God only knows that I have had hard times and struggles in my life… but I think that may be the problem. I don’t like to (just) give up. While I do have hope that some things with my job are improving, but in reality, the things that I, personally, struggle with (like actually feeling confident, competent, and valued for my opinions, experiences, and instincts), will most likely, not.

This is easier said, than done.

Yes, it is my pleasure to recommend you for this job!

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Never underestimate the importance of experiencing the best and worst days in your nursing career with friends and colleagues who have walked those long hospital hallways right beside you. I always knew the reason behind my success, and decision to keep showing up when things got hard, was because of the special bond that we all shared with one another. Yes, it is always about our patients, but it is also about not dropping the ball when our team needs us.

I think this is what I miss the most. I miss the camaraderie and the connections. I miss feeling like I am a small part of a much bigger picture. I miss laughing when the only other emotional choice would be to cry. I yearn for the days where I wouldn’t have to look more than a few feet away for a friendly face who was willing to share a not-so-fun task with me, if for nothing else than moral support or a witness! I miss those days, but I will never forget them for as long as I live.

I often get asked to provide professional recommendations for many of the nurses that I have worked with in past roles as either a peer or manager. I see it as an honor that I am entrusted with this important step in creating new and exciting career opportunities for the people who continue to challenge themselves to learn and grow, for only change can provide new perspectives and ideas to help us to think and practice in a different way from what we already know. Today, as I completed one of those professional references for an old friend, I thoughtfully considered the last question, “What are the top 3 strengths of this candidate?”. All I could think of is “where do I begin…”. As a nurse who showed up to care for the sickest of the sick in 2020, in NYC, during the earliest, scariest, and deadliest time of Covid, the “strengths of a nurse” have new definitions, like courage and bravery, selflessness, and unparallelled dedication to her (or his) patients. In a time when the future was not certain, and science became so unpredictable, even deadly, showing up day after day, is really all that needs to be said. That’s the nurse who I want working beside me, whether we are in a pandemic or not!

The stress of change

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I’ve spent a lot of time feeling (very) comfortable in my role as a clinical Nurse/Supervisor for more than 30 years. I got to the point in my career where it felt like “home”, walking through the hospital, with cardiac monitors alarming and call bells ringing, and the hustle and bustle of nurses and clinical staff running into patient rooms responding to help. It’s a well-earned level of expertise that gives one a feeling of confidence that strengthens your spirit, and puts you in a state of catlike readiness to handle the unexpected crisis’ that occur when you least expect it. It’s what I know, and what I love; it’s my life… well, it was my life.

But now everything has changed, and I can’t remember when I’ve ever felt this stressed-out. Between a recent surgery, selling my house in the state where I was born and raised, building a new house in a different state, and changing jobs, sometimes I don’t know where to start on my colossal list of “things-to-do”. It’s overwhelming, and I just want to press “pause” on this big, blue marble called Earth, and basically just take a long nap. My confidence level at work is at an all-time low. My new job is so different from what I have known, it challenges me in ways that I never anticipated. Being challenged is not a bad thing, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable being so inexperienced, and dare I say, “stupid”? It’s a feeling of complete vulnerability, which is the absolute worst, at least it is for me.

We all make life and career choices every day; for better or worse, and sometimes, with just a leap of faith that it’s the right thing to do. What we don’t see when we are making these difficult choices, is the future outcome. I guess that’s what is so exciting. It’s a new beginning, and sometimes the hardest things in life turn out to be the most rewarding.

Change

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Change can be hard; we become comfortable with habit and familiarity. The longer you stay in one place, the harder it is to leave. I feel strongly that in order to grow, one must be open to, and adapt to, the challenges of change. I (especially) advocate for trying new things in one’s career, such as earning professional certifications, or going back to school to pursue a higher degree. I have written many letters of recommendation endorsing fellow nurse friends and colleagues whom I truly believed had the potential for great things in the field of nursing for other positions, promotions, or awards… even if that meant that they would be leaving my own unit/organization for bigger and better opportunities. I applaud them for being brave to try something new. As a nurse leader, it is my responsibility to raise others “up”, and I am proud to do so, just as it was done for me by my mentor, Nicole; she taught me many things about leadership and change, and led by example. Nicole also re-introduced me to the rare genius and leadership lessons from Abraham Lincoln in Lincoln on Leadership (Phillips, 1992).

“I have simply tried to do what seemed best each day, as each day came.” –Lincoln

Some of Lincoln’s greatest quotes have held the test of time and have proven to be especially true and powerful in our current political climate.

“A house divided cannot stand“- Lincoln

Yes, change can be difficult, but believe in yourself and your ability to overcome obstacles and take control of your future. Confidence comes from stepping out of your comfort zone and expanding one’s experience, expertise, and perspective in other areas. In my 30-year nursing career I have worked in many sub-specialty areas in the world of Pediatrics. I was never afraid of change; it actually sustained my love of nursing. I was challenged with each and every opportunity. These different experiences have proven to be invaluable to a nursing career well-lived and loved; I wish the same for you!


Reference:

Phillips, D.T. (1992). Lincoln on leadership: executive strategies for tough times. New York: Warner Books