Tag: love

I am, as ever…

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Rejection, in any form, can break your heart. Whether it is done in a kind and sensitive way, that is intended to deflect blame, or in a way that seems to be dismissive, and only serves to patronize, or diminish one’s feelings…hurts. like. hell.

After so many years of hiding behind a protective wall, peeking out from the light-filtering curtains now and then, and testing the waters by dipping your toes in, to see if the temperature feels “comfortable”, gives a false sense of bravery… and then you take a deep breath and decide to “go for it”… only to be shut down, without a second thought. Oh yeah, that feels familiar, and you remember why you built up that wall in the first place…and you cry yourself to sleep, admonishing your actions, and promising to do better, be better, look better. Yeah, that sucks.

I’ve written about being vulnerable before, and putting yourself “out there” by feeling strong, and finding courage in a universe that is disguised as “fate”, but that is really hard to do. I can’t fathom having to do this all over again. I’m not as strong as I used to be… nor am I as weak as I have been. I have no one else to blame but myself, really. Making choices based on what feels “right” or “right at the time” has always been my own “Mt. Everest” that has yet to be conquered.

I know what I don’t want… and what I want has been oh, so elusive. At some point, I have to wonder if I should even try… I mean, the odds are against me, especially at my age. There is something comfortable in being alone… there is no heartache without some kind of rejection. It only hurts when you try, and fail.

Nurses fix things, don’t they? They are the constant during the worst times, who use everything that they have in their “comfort care” fanny pack to lessen the pain and make the hard things… bearable. But what if the pain is in their own heart and mind? Who fixes that? Asking for a friend…

I am, as ever.

The Giving Key

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The Giving Key is a “pay it forward” movement that helps support and create jobs for people transitioning out of homelessness (TGK, 2018). Each key has a word of your choosing that represents something that one may “need”; the meaning can be different for everyone. The gift of the key may be yours in the beginning, but ultimately, the true gift is in the giving to others. When you find someone who needs “it” more than you do, you pay it forward and give them your key, and hope that it helps them, as it has you.

I have purchased several keys over the last few years. My first was “love”; it was an old silver key that had been weathered and worn. I identified with it. I wanted the gift of love to open up my heart to the world around me as it had been closed for a long time. It is a scary thing to be able to learn to love and trust again; I haven’t quite figured that out yet. Once a heart is broken, it is never truly the same. But one day I found someone who needed the key, and the word, more than I did…she was going through a really tough time after a difficult divorce. I recognized her pain and brokenness, and I knew that she needed to find love again…self love.

love

After awhile, I came across the keys again and I chose another word, “strength”. When both of my parents were diagnosed with cancer, and I was struggling with working full time and commuting to NYC, and taking courses for my Master’s degree, I prayed for strength to get through each day, and be present for everyone who needed me. A few months ago I reconnected with an old friend…the kind of friend that you don’t see often, but when you do, it’s like no time has passed at all. That day God put me where I needed to be; she needed to be lifted up. She needed a friend, a cheerleader, and someone who understood her struggle. Once again, I saw something in her that I knew all too well. I gave her my strength key because I wanted her to have a constant reminder that she was strong and brave, and that this, too, shall pass.

strength

My new key is “hope”, which I chose because it is something that I need to remember to never lose, so I don’t give up on myself or others. As long as there is hope, there is a chance that things will get better.

hope

I just purchased a key for my daughter. I won’t share with you the word that I chose for her, but it is something that I hope for her every single day. I only wish that she could see herself the way that I see her. It is probably my most important key.

The Giving Keys. (2018). About us. Retrieved from https://www.thegivingkeys.com