be your own friend (byof)

When I find that I am feeling really bad about something that I said or did (or didn’t do), I try to think about what would I say to a friend who was telling me the same thing. I know that I would definitely be kind(er) and gentle(r) than I am being to my own self. I would try to be a good friend, and I would try to help them to forgive (themselves) for being human and imperfect… and wouldn’t it be great if we were all better friends to our own selves? It’s easier said than done (I know) to just “let it go” and clear our minds from the stream of negative thoughts, but I think that it’s really important to try to remember to do that before we start to believe all the mean stuff that we sometimes say to ourselves, like “I am such a dumbass…how the heck did I forget to do that… what’s wrong with me… I’m so stupid…I’m such a #@&%-ing idiot, etc.”. We can be our own worst enemy. Showing yourself some grace is a much healthier alternative than berating ourselves with self-deprecating thoughts. Isn’t life hard enough without adding to the pain and stress?

Truth.

I am, as ever…

Rejection, in any form, can break your heart. Whether it is done in a kind and sensitive way, that is intended to deflect blame, or in a way that seems to be dismissive, and only serves to patronize, or diminish one’s feelings…hurts. like. hell.

After so many years of hiding behind a protective wall, peeking out from the light-filtering curtains now and then, and testing the waters by dipping your toes in, to see if the temperature feels “comfortable”, gives a false sense of bravery… and then you take a deep breath and decide to “go for it”… only to be shut down, without a second thought. Oh yeah, that feels familiar, and you remember why you built up that wall in the first place…and you cry yourself to sleep, admonishing your actions, and promising to do better, be better, look better. Yeah, that sucks.

I’ve written about being vulnerable before, and putting yourself “out there” by feeling strong, and finding courage in a universe that is disguised as “fate”, but that is really hard to do. I can’t fathom having to do this all over again. I’m not as strong as I used to be… nor am I as weak as I have been. I have no one else to blame but myself, really. Making choices based on what feels “right” or “right at the time” has always been my own “Mt. Everest” that has yet to be conquered.

I know what I don’t want… and what I want has been oh, so elusive. At some point, I have to wonder if I should even try… I mean, the odds are against me, especially at my age. There is something comfortable in being alone… there is no heartache without some kind of rejection. It only hurts when you try, and fail.

Nurses fix things, don’t they? They are the constant during the worst times, who use everything that they have in their “comfort care” fanny pack to lessen the pain and make the hard things… bearable. But what if the pain is in their own heart and mind? Who fixes that? Asking for a friend…

I am, as ever.

i miss hugs

Covid has taken away so many things from us, in one way or another. As of today, the total deaths in the United States is 424, 909. That number is heartbreaking and astounding. It is also increasing every day.

Today I went to a Viewing of my friend’s mother who passed away from Covid. She was a doctor. She was very special, and she left behind a beautiful family who adored her. Their only comfort is that she is now with her beloved husband in Eternity. Photos, scarves, crochet works of art, made with love, and a million memories of a life well-lived, remain for all that are left behind.

I am a hugger, so it’s hard for me NOT to hug people on a daily basis. Back in the day (pre-Covid), I would be able to hug my friend as a way to express comfort, because sometimes, words just fail. A real hug, a proper hug, that is used when there are no words that can be said to soothe or console. Human touch expresses compassion… I think we are desperately missing that necessary emotion lately.

“Our sorrows and wounds are only healed when we touch them with compassion”. – Buddha